I like to write; that’s kind of the whole purpose of this blog… I am finding though that it sometimes takes a lot out of me, and that maybe I have more of an issue with ADD (and maybe depression) than I thought I did. My last post was at the end of January, and was in response to one of the daily writing challenges. I wrote from the heart, and, well, have been just a bit emotionally raw ever since. I’m looking at today’s Daily prompt, “Never Gonna Give You Up”, and thinking that if I write in response to this topic, it will again be related to my last post. I am going to refrain. The purpose of this prompt is supposed to be related to a particular vice that one has, but I believe that in anything creative, you are always free to interpret it as you see fit; I don’t see “vice” with “Never Gonna Give You Up”. I think my post today will mostly include a lot of rambling related to my process (or rather lack thereof) of writing.
I envision a perfect world where I don’t work. Not really that I don’t work I suppose, but that I can get up in the mornings at my leisure, take my time getting out of bed, only to go downstairs grab a cup of coffee and snuggle into an overstuffed chair and write… or draw… but I can’t draw. There would be soft, muted, natural light coming through a big window behind me, and a warm, soft blanket draped over the chair for when my feet got cold; there would be sandalwood, or some days patchouli perfuming the air to add to my calming environment, and probably a big terrarium against the wall 90 degrees from where I sat (likely with red-eyed tree frogs, a lizard of some kind, as well as a “pond” type area with a couple of small fish). Again, that’s my perfect world. I know me, and know that would never work. I would lie in bed for hours because it’s just too darned comfortable there! And, once I did get up and come downstairs, I would get so distracted by other things that needed to be done, that I would never get around to the part where I’m actually supposed to write. Of course, if I did get around to writing, there are so many ideas and idea fragments zipping around in my head, that I would not be able to put anything very coherent down on paper…
Maybe I need to change my idea of my perfect world. Perhaps what I need is a more regimented schedule starting at 8 am (no earlier, I really dislike mornings) where I get up, shower, and head to yoga class. Maybe this would help me to focus on the task at hand? I have a referral from my PCP to be tested for ADD, but have yet to make the appointment… I’m not sure why. The best I can figure is that I’ve heard that once you start taking meds for ADD that the multiple things going on in your head all at once stop. Just. Stop… Whoa. That’s kind of intimidating to me; I’ve become rather accustomed to having multiple things going on in my head all at once, I worry that it would be too quiet in my head. I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone but me, but that’s what I think. I also worry that it wouldn’t make a difference, and that I still wouldn’t get anything accomplished. I have what I sometimes think is an irrational fear of failing. I don’t commonly fail at things, and in fact am usually able to accomplish whatever I set my mind on doing; still though, I sometimes don’t commit myself to very involved projects simply because I am afraid of the possibility of failure. Ok, let us get back on topic. I think too that I would benefit from carrying a notebook or stack of colored post-its with me so that I could jot down ideas when I have them and post them on a board once I got back to my writing spot. Maybe this board could live next to the terrarium… Oh, and can I also have a personal grammar coach? I love the oxford comma, but wonder if I add too (to?) many commas in general, or if I use semi colons to (too?) much, or inappropriately.
Well, one day; in my perfect world. A girl can dream can’t she? 🙂
So, maybe this post does come close to the topic. Maybe my vice is my disorganization; whether it’s caused be ADD or just poor planning on my part, it seems to be a protective mechanism for me to keep from getting hurt/rejected/failing; however you want to see it. I wish I could eliminate some of my stressors that I feel keep me derailed and not able to focus on one thing at a time (dealing with 2 mortgages right now, infertility, bills, work, etc.), but these are just part of life aren’t they? I don’t see how to eliminate things like these without being independently wealthy and a hermit. Time to start working on some good stress management techniques, bring on the hot yoga! And, since spring is coming, let’s break out the running shoes!
Check out some other posts on the Daily Prompt!
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